3.22.2012

MLIA

I discovered something today.

M.L.I.A.

 My.
      Life.
            Is.
              Average.


shocking isn't it.
It's high time I face the music
and feel the sting of my average life
as it hits me like a huge slap in the face.

Me = average
Yep, ordinary, plain, mediocre. (big sigh.)

What's the big deal you say?

Well, I have always held on to this dream,
a silly dream really.
A dream that one day I will become famous for something.
(stop laughing)

Once a year I like to sit down in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn, restrain the kids from being within 20 feet of me and indulge in watching a lifetime full of Hollywood nauseating nonsense.
Also known as the Oscars.

anybody else with me?

Every year I watch with fevered excitement all the red carpet glory, pageantry and self-serving silliness.  I love the...glitz

and glam,

and gowns,

and legs,
and the productions,


and the skits,

Did I mention the glitz and glam?

A few Sundays ago, I sat blissfully alone again watching the Oscars and I dared to make myself a promise. A promise that one day I would be at the Oscars, as an actress, a designer, a reporter, a newly discovered writer, director or host.

(OK, stop laughing again)

I soon had a reality check later that night while I was doing laundry and smelling socks to see if they were clean...(they weren't...)


and that's when it all sunk in.

My Life Is Average. * cue the Adele soundtrack.

A while back I found a website called My Life is Average.

It spoke to me.

Average people observing ordinary events in typical ways making the rest of us feel exceptionally...mediocre. Here is a sampling.









 

So here are a few of my own "average" creations;

Today, my baby ran around all day looking like an orphan while I sat curled up on the couch and finished The Hunger Games. I hope someone fed him.
 MPAA #My Priorities Are Average.

Today, my daughter claimed her life is so hard and unfair and she does more work than anyone in the whole family. I tried to keep a straight face.   MSIA #My Sympathy Is Average.


Today, I decided to teach my kids a lesson and instituted a communal family underwear and sock basket.  I will sort no more I declared! The kids thanked me each time as they grabbed random socks and underwear from the basket as needed.
"Your best idea yet mom!" they exclaimed.
     MHSAA  #My Housekeeping Skills Are Average.

Today my children asked to play with play dough, I said no...
They asked to do science experiments with leftover food...I said no.
They asked to build a fire for s'mores...I said no.
They asked to invite some friends over...I said no.
They asked to climb up on the shed roof in a wind storm with blankets and try to parachute down...
...I said yes. 
    MMSAA #My Mothering Skills Are Average

Today, my son dressed up as Harry Houdini for his school wax museum. It occurred to me as I sat there in the auditorium, that possibly a bunch of fifth graders know more about American History than I do.  (not one word Will)   MIIA  #My Intelligence is Average

Today, we received a late night phone call from our son saying he
"accidentally slid off the road." and asked if we could hurry cause it was cold. Ha!
needless to say,  OPIA # Our Patience is Average.

Today, during a Family Talent Show I demonstrated for the crowd my ability to growl like a dog at my one year old son and watched as he eventually cries in terror and runs away.
MTAA # My Talents Are Average.

Today, prior to his date arriving, I was giving my teenager son advice on how to flirt with girls, and how to exhibit flirtatious behavior on a first date. I didn't realize those skills come naturally to most teenage boys. gulp.    MAIQ #My Advice Is Questionable.

Today,my son tried to take a picture of a sweet moment of me and my daughter.
He kept telling me I needed to tuck in my neck. 
MLAA # My Looks Are Average.
MCIBA # My Confidence Is Below Average

Today I realized I never require my kids to wash their hands before dinner. Or wash their hands at all for that matter.    MSAA # My Standards Are Average

Today, my husband and I went on a date. We ate fast food, talked about what we were going to do with our unruly kids, fought a little and were home by 9:00.  
MMIA #My Marriage Is Average

Today, we took the whole family to see a Jazz game...(i think).
OBIA # Our Budget is Average

Today, we tried again to have Family Home Evening, which of course is where Dean and I sit around and pretend to maintain civility as the kids slowly wear us down and take over control. 
OSIA #Our Spirituality is Average

Today, my daughter pulled each and every box from the storage room to find her
"cowgirl get-up" cause she said she wanted to practice her cowgirls skills on our kitty.
That lasted all of three minutes. The storage room is still in shambles.
MKAA #My Kids Are Average 

And then it hit me.
Maybe that's it! 
Maybe, just maybe my kids will be my ticket to the red carpet, fame and fortune.
yes maybe...

ooooh..
awwwhhh...brilliant idea...

uh yeah, maybe not.

7 comments:

Corinner said...

This is my favorite post so far. :) Awesome.

Ali said...

Loved every word and thought......you at a clever writer .......definAtely NOT average.....you had me smiling.......not an average friend either ..a great friend!

carrie said...

Weston was downstairs laughing his head off, and he came up to tell me to look at your post. So then I read it and laughed my head off, with him hovering over me laughing again. You are hilarious!

Ang said...

Mabes you guys could change your name to the Averages. It'd be like the Incredibles, only the Averages. You could highlight all your mediocrity on your blog.
Hil, you are my most favorite average friend I have. I love your average family and your average kids, your average husband, and I love going on average dates with you guys. Lets continue to enjoy our mediocrity together.

Sarah said...

I stumbled onto your blog, and read this post. I love it! You are not average. You sound like an amazing gal...btw, thanks for the laugh!

Allyson said...

Wowsa! I woulda kicked some @$$ with you! Mean girls don't scare me!

Elise said...

You are hilarious! What a talented writer! Someday I'm going to be like you... :)

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