5.20.2013

DOUBLE AGENT

 I am a double agent. 

Disappearing in the shadows of messy bedrooms,
Now you see me, now you don't  - 

I am first to know, last to go
and in between it all.

I espionage, 
I sabotage, 
I sanitize 
and compromise.

I write the mission;
I am the mission. 


I am a double agent. 
 "Agent M.O.M"


I am trained in the event of a hostile takeover. 
My photographic memory has yet to fail me.


I prefer my nerves shaken not stirred.


When asked for my demands, 
I will say that all I need are; 
good children, 
a good meal 
and a good man,
but will exchange a half hour nap for any of the three.


As a loyal reader of this blog, I will disclose to you the following;

 (there are eight other agents residing in our Safehouse.)

You have been given special Mi4 clearance to this classified information.

In exchange for being their M.O.M, these agents give me street cred.
 Hardened criminals don't mess with me.

You know what they say;
keep your friends close and your children at a comfortable distance.

EXHIBIT A:  Agents in action, training hard. 

These agents head up our surveillance division. 

EXHIBIT B: This is our sleeper cell.


EXHIBIT C: These agents are developing new brainwashing tactics.


I'll give you the top-secret bio-sheets of the special agents in the Roberts Cell: 


"The Hustler"  
He's self-serving, distracted 
and sly, 
Can make reckless seem innocent.
consumes his body weight in fast food, daily.
Breaking curfew is his specialty.
He has the audacity of a politician and the sleep habits of a newborn, 
 and he sucks the energy and cash out of two middle-aged parents.

WEAPON OF CHOICE:  a shamefully messy bedroom 
HIS WEAKNESS: physical labor 





 "The Cat"
She's moody, fierce,
and secluded.
She moves at her own pace (especially when the bus is in front of our house) - 
and she'll let you know when (and if) she wants your attention.
Don't try to cuddle, this cat has claws.
You'll think she's curled up on the couch doing homework,
 but she is actually just texting.  
Don't tell her she can because then she won't - 
 and don't tell her she can't because then she will.

WEAPON OF CHOICE: A soccer ball to kick into flower pots, doors and front porch decor.
(and she gives me a mean post-lecture silent treatment) 
HER WEAKNESS: cute boys, obviously.


"The Fox"
He's handsome,
cunning and crafty,
able to avoid any sort of household chores or organized labor with ease. 
 Face-timing with the ladies like it's his job,
and hoarding money like it's going out of style.  
His eyes will ensnare you, 
His ears perk up as if he's listening, 
but it's all a trick.

As cooly as he came to dinner, he walks away, with slap on the back
and drops his dirty dish in the sink only offering; "yo mom, thanks for dinner, you're a doll."

WEAPON OF CHOICE: ordering baseball equipment from Amazon with my money
HIS WEAKNESS: a quick temper



"Agent Jane" 
She's assertive, spirited
and cheeky.
Her energy could supply power to a small country.   
She inserts herself in middle of the action, assuming she was invited. 
To sleep is a waste of time, 
to do nothing all day is garbage. 
Her fun is made just as it's happening.
Her humor borders on inappropriate and uncomfortable.
And in spite of her father's efforts, she is still boy crazy.

WEAPON OF CHOICE: Biting words, a scowl, and a stomping foot.        
HER WEAKNESS: someone holding her wrists


"The Grin"
He's pushy, passionate
and toothless.
His gaming habits are obsessive, out of control and problematic.
 A smile reveals a good-natured boy, 
never mind that he is jumping on the furniture
and downloading games on your phone,
He pulls out his teeth by himself and bandages his own knees. 
    
WEAPON OF CHOICE: relentless calls to my cell-phone to tattle on his sisters   
HIS WEAKNESS:  Tight pants



"The Babe" 
She's timid, self-contained,
and long-haired.
She's loyal to those who know her soul.
Afraid of thunder, and most loud sounds, but not afraid of the dark.    
She gets her heart broken if she's ever disciplined,  
believes that unicorns are real and that the world is good,
and she only cries to manipulate and get her way.     

WEAPON OF CHOICE: (a mean smack upside the head to Canyon when no one is looking)
HER WEAKNESS: A threat to cut her hair

  


"The  Boss"
He's fiery, fussy
and demanding,
He eats brownies for breakfast because his mom doesn't want "the struggle"
He plays Mario Bros after bedtime because his mom doesn't want "the struggle"
He knows his way around iphones and youtube, 
older siblings are intimidated by him, 
and younger siblings?....
well, there are no younger siblings, and that's the problem.

WEAPON OF CHOICE: He no longer takes naps.  
HIS WEAKNESS: The "happy boy" step.


"The Instigator" 
He's sarcastic, stubborn and strict, 
A rabble rouser and confidante
He may be the worst of all of them.
Encouraging the agents to do what they do best.
He laughs at the wrong things,  
high-fives for bad behavior,
micromanages, 
and enjoys the fray.
He argues over hem lines, chores and wasted electricity.
Wrestling the kids till someone gets hurt and then goading them into coming back for more. 

WEAPON OF CHOICE: snoring like a bear
HIS WEAKNESS: me



I am a double agent M.O.M.

I am no fool,
yet I'm every body's fool.

counterintelligence is not an oxymoron.


I feel the heat, 
but remaining cool is my job. 

Nothing can phase me.


Sleep deprivation?...I laugh! 

Solitary confinement?...yes please!

Water boarding?...been there, done that.
(Have you even heard of natural child birth?)

I am a double agent.

I fear only anarchy -

 Go ahead, try me. I will not break. 
Nothing can take me down.




"hey psst...Agent M.O.M - summer break starts this week!"





NOOOOOOO!!!!

...agent down.

1 comment:

Merrie said...

Hilary. Hilary. Hilary. You are brilliant. "Can she top the last blog?" I ask myself as I click to see. Yes. Yes. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you , the amazing Hilary. Yah, I know her.

MY HELPLESS TEENAGE DAUGHTER

(a two minute video of the girl who needs to be everything)       So far my hobby has been micro-managing my kids and as rewardi...